


Mean Masters

by Aminte



Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: Diarmuid is always sexy, F/M, Friendship/Love, Friendzone, Humor, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Idiots in Love, M/M, OTP Feels, Parody, Ride off into the sunset, Some Humor, Some Plot, Tags Are Fun, Why Did I Write This?, Why is the Rum Gone?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-06-09 07:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6895981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aminte/pseuds/Aminte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I’m nineteen and until today I was studying in the Clock Tower.<br/>I got chosen as a Master and then it was goodbye England and hello Fuyuki"</p><p>Follow the adventures of one Waver Velvet as he tries to navigate through the complexities of the Holy Grail War without losing his mind in the process</p><p>Mean Girls meets Fate Zero meets my deranged idea</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye England, Hello Fuyuki

“This is your lunch, ok? Now I put some yens in there if you wanted to buy some milk, you can ask one of your friends where to buy”- said an elderly man with a kind smile

“Do you remember the house number? I wrote it down here for you, in case you need it”- continued the elderly woman beside him, handing a note with some numbers scribbled on the paper

“Ok, you ready?”

“Uuuuuhhhh…I think so?”

“It’s Waver’s big day!”- the woman cheered, putting an arm around a boy who looked nothing like her

_Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_I’m nineteen and until today I was studying in the Clock Tower._

_I got chosen as a Master and then it was goodbye England and hello Fuyuki._

_I know, I know, most people have certain prejudices towards us new-lineage mages. Like we are poor (even though that’s sort of true)_

(PLEAAAASEEEEE I NEED MONEEEEEY)

(I NEED MONEEEEEEEEY)

_Or that we acquired our magic circuits and magical knowledge in undignified ways_

_BUT!_

_TODAY IS A FRESH START!_

_I WILL SHOW EVERYONE WHAT I, WAVER VELVET, CAN DO!_

_All I need is a nice relic to use as a catalyst and summon a Servant._

_Once I do, no-one will dare to doubt me again!_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Waver stared at the simple looking church with doubt written all over his face. His “grandparents” (AKA the poor elderly couple he had cast a spell on, without any seconds thoughts, to let him freeload for the rest of his stay in Japan) had SO VERY GENEROUSLY (aka got cast another spell to) dropped him off and now he was both excited and confused as to how to proceed.

When he was about to cross the street a MOTHERTUCKING FLYING CHARIOT almost landed on him.

But he dismissed it as natural Japanese occurrences so he continued towards the church.

Inside there were various other people who didn’t spare a single glance towards him. In front of them an old guy in priest’s clothing seemed to be reading something.

He approached the man that was closer to him, he seemed to be around his thirties and also wore priest clothes.

“Hello, I’m not sure if anyone has told you about me, I’m the new Master. My name is Waver Velvet”- he said offering his hand in greeting

“Talk to me again and I will have to make you disappear”- replied the man curtly

Realizing that he wasn’t joking when he threatened violence he moved away from him and made his way towards the other bench.

He was about to take a seat but a guy cladded in black advised him not too

“That’s where Tohsaka seats”- he said quietly

He moved to another place and the same guy shook her head

“That’s where Uryuu seats, he constantly smells of blood”

After he had discarded all of the other seats he had no choice but to seat next to the black cladded guy.

“Hi, I’m Kiritsugu and this is Kariya”- he said pointing towards a guy to his left, that seemed to be a few baby steps away from a coma- “He’s too friendzoned to function”

“Uh…hi? I’m Waver Velvet”- he offered a hand that Kiritsugu didn’t take, instead, he lit another cigarette and stared at the rising smoke

Waver retracted her hand and let it drop on his lap before focusing his gaze to the front.

The old man in priest’s clothing had finally stopped reading and was now raising his hands

“Well, first I just wanted to thank everyone for coming here today for thi small meeting to explain the rules for the Holy Grail War that is going to start officially tomorrow. Secondly, we have a new Master joining us, he just moved all the way from England to partake in this honorable magus battle royale”

At those words a blond man in blue raised from his seat and made a bow towards the geezer in the front.

“Dear god, I’m not talking about you Lord Kayneth so please take a seat and stop trying to look cool”- said the old man tiredly- “I’m talking about Wavy Velvet, is Wavy Velvet here?”

Waver felt his cheeks grow hot in embarrassment and considered ignoring the guy calling his name but decided to stand up, drawing the attention of everyone else.

“It’s Waver, actually”- he said mildly

“My apologies, now that I’ve made sure that you all power-hungry magi are here, let’s begin”

 


	2. Allies?

_Those first moments inside Fuyuki’s church were a blur._

_A stressful, surreal blur._

_I got mocked for the most random things._

_Not being from an old lineage of magi was one._

_I had never lived in a world where other mages treated me so unfairly or the authorities were so…biased._

_And that’s saying something coming from the Clock Tower._

_All in all it was a very displeasing experience._

_What I thought was meant to be a meeting to instruct us about the Holy Grail War rules, it was more of a convention of sorts where we were introduced to the seven Servant classes._

_Saber, Lancer, Archer who are called the three knight classes; Rider, Berseker, Caster and Assasin that composed the four cavalry classes._

_All in all it was rather boring and a sad excuse for socializing._

_I didn’t have much friends back at the Clock Tower…but I had them. So far, none in Fuyuki._

_Curse the snobbish magi._

_And they said I had to come back the next day for the actual instruction meeting._

_Damn this inefficient church members._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Waver stared back at the church with a look of profound dislike. He hadn’t been in Japan for more than two weeks and he was already wanting to leave, seeing how inefficient they were. Instead of simply telling him where the other meeting was to be held, they gave him a map of the church. In kanji.

Believe it or not, an accomplished magi such as himself didn’t know sh*t about kanji.

He started walking, begrudgingly so, towards the door when he saw the two other men that sat near him the day before. He approached them in hopes of getting some indications.

“Uh hello…Kiritsugu…?”- he asked timidly- “Kariya…?”

“Hello, Waver”- replied Kiritsugu said curtly

“H-h-hellooooo”- _tried_ to reply Kariya before choking and coughing blood

Waver looked at him in disgust, seeing how the man was basically rolling in a pool of his own saliva and blood.

“Aren’t you going to help him?”- he asked pointing to the all-but-alive man struggling on the floor

“Nah, he does that all the time”- said Kiritsugu shrugging- “Did you need anything?”

“Ah yes”- said Waver taking out the map and showing it to the man in black- “It’s supposed to show where the next meeting is, what does it say? I can’t read it”

Kiritsugu snatched the paper from Waver’s hands and read it quickly

“I think that’s in the back building”- he said, giving it back to the boy

“Y-yeah it’s in the-…the,sdkfnsjfnrfjffrn”

“Yes, we’ll take you there”- said Kiritsugu grabbing one of Kariya’s legs and pulling him, leading the way

They met a flock of nuns in their way but the sight of a man carrying another was certainly enough for them to run scared

“Watch out please! new Master coming through!”- said Kiritsugu imperatively

Waver followed him until he stopped under some trees that concealed them from anyone who might’ve wanted to find them. In their position, no one could look at them from inside the church.

“Where’s the back building?”- asked the younger man watching Kariya crawl towards the sunrays once Kiritsugu had released him, before taking a seat himself

“It was burned out during the last Grail War”- he answered barely looking at the Englishman

“Won’t we get in trouble for skipping the meeting?”- asked Waver nervously

“Why would we get you in trouble? We’re your allies”- replied Kiritsugu with all tranquility

 

_Well damn, the sneaky bastard had me there_

_I knew I could get in the priest’s bad side but I was in no position to reject allies_

_I guess I’ll never know what was said on that meeting_

Inside the church, Father Risei had the rest of the Masters gathered up looking at him with doubt written all over their faces.

“Don’t let the other Masters survive. Because they’ll get another Servant and then YOU will die”- he said pointing to a very childish drawing that was supposed to represent the Masters and their Servants

“Don’t let them live out of pity. Don’t let them live out of mercy. Just don’t do it, promise?”- he sighed

“Isn’t that because you’re too lazy to take care of the beaten Master?”- asked the blond man named Kayneth

“No, of course not! Why would you say that? In my role as overseer of this Holy Grail War I must look after any Master who seeks refuge in the church. Right, Kirei?”- he asked giving the man named Kirei a meaningful look making Tohsaka facepalm


	3. Beware of

“So why did you join the Grail War?”- asked Kiritsugu, watching as the smoke rose from his cigarette

“I want to…uh…I just want to get some recognition…”- mumbled Waver embarrassed

“Oh you’ll get that recognition alright...”- rolled his eyes Kiritsugu- “a little mage like you…”

“Is that sarcasm?”- asked Waver his eyes turning into slits

“Emiya doesn’t talk in anything but sarcasm”- muttered Kariya

“So how do you spell your name, eh?”- continued asking Kiritsugu as he took a piece of paper from his pocket

“It’s W-a-v-e-r”

“Yeah, I’m just going to put it like Weibaa”

“WEIBAA????”- yelled the young man clearly offended

“In the name of all that is holy would you please look at Kotomine?”- interrupted Kariya, nodding to the front

Waver followed the almost-dead man’s gaze and saw three men walking together but could barely recognize their faces from where he sat

“Of course all the Magics are going to form an alliance”- replied Kiritsugu with disdain

“Who are the Magics?”- asked Waver squinting

“They’re mage royalty, if the Grail War was like Cosmopolitan they’d always be on the cover”- replied Kariya crossing his arms

“That one there is Kotomine Kirei. He’s the baddest bitch you’ll ever meet. Kariya had some…contact with him last year”

Waver finally realized it was the other priest he had met the day before. He looked deadly serious an aura of quiet danger surrounding him.

“He asked me what I wanted. And I said I’d tell him what I want what I really really want and he was like so tell me what you want what you really really want and I was like I wanna I wanna I wanna I really really really wanna zigazigzag”

“And you wonder why you’re still single”- muttered Kiritsugu under his breath before continuing “The little one is Tohsaka Tokiomi”

The Englishman looked towards the person that Kiritsugu was pointing and his eyes fell on a man wearing a deep red suit and walking with a cane, his smile was tranquil and his movements elegant. Looked every inch a gentleman but the cunning expression of his eyes made it clear he was a lot more.

“He’s totally rich because he comes from the Three Founders- spat Kariya

“He knows everybody’s business, he knows everything about everyone”

“That’s why the bastard’s smirk is so big it’s FULL OF SECRETS”- roared Kariya before blood started squirting from his face

Waver took some distance, mildly grossed out.

“And evil takes human form in Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald”

And with that Waver’s heart sunk because if he hadn’t been sure before now he was one hundred percent positive that the third man of the group was no one but his Professor back at the Clock Tower. The same man that had openly mocked him and his theories.He was wearing the same clothes he did back in London and his blond hair made him stand out from the two other. There was no doubt.

“Now don’t be fooled, he may seem like your typical selfish, backstabbing, snobbish manslut hoebag. But in reality he’s so much more”- said Kiritsugu disgust obvious in his voice

“He’s the top bitch, those other two are only his allies”- nodded Kariya

“Kayneth Archibald…how do I even begin to explain Kayneth Archibald…?”- said Emiya screwing his cigarette into the ground

“’Lord El-Melloi is flawless!”- said Waver with an annoying high-pitched voice as if he were imitating someone- “ ‘He has more than two Mystic Codes and a quicksilver familiar!’ ‘His hair is insured for $10.000’ ‘I heard he’s going to fight a Grail War…in Japan!’”

The two other men exchanged a glance and shrugged

“Well, he always looks fierce and he always wins everything…there are really high-chances he could win the Grail War”- said Kariya

“Why do you care Kariya?”- asked Waver

“Uh because whosoever gets elected by the Grail will automatically be granted a single, omnipotent wish, and since I honestly don’t want to have my life ruled by an asshole magi, I’d say I have a right to care. Not to mention that my favorite niece is currently being raped by worms and I need to win the stupid Grail so my sadist father doesn’t torture her any further”- replied Kariya offhandedly

“Wow, Kariya you truly have out-pathetiqued yourself”- said Kiritsugu rolling his eyes and giving Waver the piece of paper he had been looking at before and pointing different places-“Here. This map’s going to be your guide to Fuyuki. Now, where you position yourself is crucial because you got everybody here”

_You got the civilians_

_The Church guys_

_Drug dealers_

_Otakus_

_Cool otakus_

_Magi who can survive this Grail War_

_Magi who will not survive anything_

_Desperate wannabes_

_Mentally disturbed serial killers_

_The greatest allies you’ll ever have_

_Aaaaand the worst_

_BEWARE OF THE MAGICS_


End file.
